Have you ever taken advice from someone at some point in your life only to realize a few years later that they were the wrong people to advise on the subject?
I bet you have because scenarios like this happen too frequently. People are so keen to dish out advice, and we’re so thirsty for it that we take it without questioning its validity.
Recently, I’ve been questioning all the advice I heard growing up, and I realized I’d been sold a bag of goods to some extent. And I’m sure you’ve had those moments too.
Something happens when you mature; you become more open to taking in knowledge, but you also start to verify what you hear.
In verifying these truths, you start to see some of them for what they truly are: toxic double standards.
Before we get to the part where we pull them apart bit by bit, let’s define exactly what a double standard is.
A double standard is a set of rules applied differently to others.
For instance, let’s say you tell your husband that you should both start putting more money into your joint saving account.
But then, each time you go to the mall, you overspend to the extent that there’s nothing left to save, that right there is a double standard.
The truth?
Most people who establish double standards are the same ones who end up not applying them to themselves.
The danger of double standards is that they are unfair and create an unbalanced stand on a relationship or an individual, especially if that person hasn’t attained the maturity to verify what they hear.
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Toxic Double Standards in Relationships.
Photo by 23 Photography on Unsplash
If you’ve read my work, you know I’m passionate about matters relationships, so the topic of double standards in a relationship is a perfect place to start.
I once heard of a woman who had filed a lawsuit for sexual assault. One of the guys at her office had placed his hand on her shoulder. As they revealed the video footage, it was discovered that another guy had done the same thing not too long ago.
The only difference? He was attractive. The other one wasn’t.
- When an attractive man flirts, he is seen as romantic, and some women will go as far as to encourage it, but when an unattractive man flirts, it is considered to be sexual assault.
- A man who loves too much sex, or rough sex for that matter, is powerful and admirable, but a woman who loves the same kind of sex is a slut.
- A woman who cries often is in touch with her feelings, but a man who does the same is weak and needy. In fact, some women get grossed out by men who cry.
- A woman’s money is her money. A man’s money is their money. This is so common that yours truly is a hundred percent guilty of this.
- A jobless woman who stays at home is a homemaker. An unemployed man — who also spends his day doing the same things a woman does — is a failure. Let me point out that though this trend is becoming more acceptable, there’s still a significant percentage of people who still believe a man shouldn’t be a homemaker.
- A man who boldly states his opinion is masculine and passionate, but a woman who speaks her opinion is a bitch. And sometimes it’s not even how you say something because that definitely matters; it’s the fact that you even have something to say and are daring to say it.
- Oh, did you know that a woman needs to consult her husband before having a tubal ligation, but a man can have a vasectomy without consulting his wife? Even worse, very few doctors will want to perform the procedure on her.
How’s that for a double standard?
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When You Move Away From the Confines of a Romantic Relationship, Double Standards Still Follow You Everywhere.
Photo by Baran Lotfollahi on Unsplash
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What happens when a man decides to harness their feminine side?
If you look at how the trends are changing for young girls, mainly Gen Z, you can see that some of the outfits they wear are very boyish, unlike the millennials or generations before that.
These outfits are considered acceptable and stylish, a move to break the conventional style of dressing.
And in a society where more young and more people are woke and unafraid to express their truths, I can see their point.
But what happens when a man decides to wear feminine clothes? Or wear make-up? Or engage in roles otherwise reserved for women?
They are seen as freaks and perverts. As if they’ve lowered themselves. Or, to put it in a better way, as unmanly.
I’ve seen men get disgusted at other men who highlight their feminine side.
And that says a lot about what society thinks about women: Feminine equals weak. Sad.
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Why do some people judge others for being money-focused when they themselves spend their entire day trying to earn?
This is a big one, and many people have fallen victim to its grasp.
They know they have a simmering desire to have plenty of money, but they kill it because the pursuit of money has been misconstrued to mean greed and unrighteousness.
If you’re one of these, please liberate yourself right now. There’s no shame in honoring your heart’s desires as long as you don’t harm yourself or someone else.
Besides, it’s not like the people who reinforce this double standard are paid in bags of dust right?
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What about people who tell others how to live when they are not happy with their own lives?
This is one of the double standards you won’t recognize until you’re mature enough to look at how those older than you live.
Many parents aren’t where they wish they could be because of circumstances and their life choices.
And while there’s wisdom in paying attention to advise, there comes a time when you must distance your life’s trajectory from theirs.
Your situation is very different from mine, so no one should be the benchmark for your life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Artem Artemov on Unsplash
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