It’s over…except for the times when it’s not. You’re both moving on…but also still connected. You can no longer make this partnership work…but neither of you has completely let go.
If you’ve been in a relationship that has technically ended but continues to exert a powerful hold on your life, one or all of those phrases might resonate. And you aren’t alone — far from it. In fact, I’d venture to guess that all of us will at some point experience a breakup in which the “break” is incomplete; instead, we find ourselves navigating a complex and confusing maze to reach the exit.
In those times, you might actually find yourself longing for an ending that is more dramatic and definitive, even if you weren’t the one who initiated it. It seems masochistic to wish for someone you love to fully break your heart, but anyone who has tried to recover from a “mostly broken” heart knows how much harder it is to put yourself back together when there’s still a piece that’s connected to the other person.
Some relationships absolutely do go down in flames, leaving behind scorched earth with no remaining signs of life. More often, however, relationships fail because the cons overpower the pros of staying together, or the couple can’t break out of a toxic repeating cycle of communication/behavior, or the road two people are walking on simply reaches a dead end. When that happens, a breakup might be the best and only choice, but the process can get tangled up in the love two people still have for one another (even if it’s diminished) and the powerful memories of how things were when they were good (along with the tantalizing illusion that maybe they can be good again).
The untangling process may include so-called setbacks that range from minor — such as occasional more-than-platonic communication, particularly at times when you’ve had a drink, are stressed out, or are otherwise vulnerable — to major — such as physical intimacy or one partner suggesting giving the relationship another try. I refer to these as “so-called setbacks” because most of the time they aren’t actually halting your healing process, they’re just slowing it down and making it more complex.
When a relationship includes a drawn-out period of closure, it’s easy to feel disheartened or even wonder if you’re “doing it wrong” because your breakup is happening gradually instead of all at once. If that message is coming at you from others, it would be wise to consider seeking support from people who are more understanding — and frankly realistic — about how these things usually play out in the real world.
If the negative self-talk is coming from your own head, try to show yourself some compassion and remember that humans aren’t built to shut off love like a light switch. When two people have difficulty fully detaching from one another, it’s not a sign of weakness but instead a sign that the feelings that first brought them together were real and powerful.
Progress that unfolds in millimeters rather than miles is still progress. With time, the tight knots of emotion tying you to your ex will gradually loosen and you will both be able to recognize the breakup as complete. The work you will need to do to get yourself to that point is going to feel exhausting and painful, but it is ultimately making you stronger, more self-aware, and more receptive to the kind of love that will keep your heart intact.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jilbert Ebrahimi on Unsplash
The post For Many Relationships, the “Break” in a Breakup Is Incomplete appeared first on The Good Men Project.